Where was I? Oh right, the refrigerator. Us veterans call it the fridge. Not everyone was able to survive the fridge. Most did not. I met a bowl of Tomato Soup in there. She was just not made for it. Couldn’t handle the pressure. I could handle it. Call it will power, perseverance, a pretty hard boner or whatever you want. I just had to complete the journey to the human mouth. I had to. There was no choice. I had a family obligation.
I sat there, in the fruits compartment in the fridge. I lived through 12 hours of hell. My cheese was freezing. The worst part about prison is humiliation, man. I had to lick my cheese, man. A slice isn’t the same once he’s licked his cheese. But I guess I was just an idealistic kid then. Willing to give up my honour for my family’s honour. Oh, I was so naïve. When I look back at the hard life I’ve had, I find it hard to believe that it’s been so many years.
Anyway, I was nearly frozen to death. That’s when a really nice woman with a braided beard in a grateful dead t shirt opened the fridge. She felt like a goddess. I had nearly given up. But this goddess gave me hope. She took me out of the prison. She put me in this defrosting device. It felt nice and warm. I could feel it. I was about to be in this transgender woman’s mouth. My dream was about to come true.
I felt her tongue come out of her mouth to greet me into her body. But suddenly a vile and gross woman came in the middle of our romance. I couldn’t hear what they said to each other. Pizza slices don’t have human ears. I wish we did. Only so that I could hear what was it that kept me from achieving my dream. But I haven’t found out the reason till date. I was just subsequently thrown out of the window. I fell from a great height onto the street. And that’s where I have been living since then. I guess you could call me a ‘vague-rant’ (vagrant) Pizza. Huh. I should patent that.
But I hope you don’t assume that my adventures ended there. I’ve had a great life. Full of fighting street thugs and green mugs. But I guess I’ll tell you that later. See, I’m a great story teller. And I know when I have got an audience by their ears. Which is ironic because I don’t have human ears. Now I can trick you into coming back. Ah, I’m the greatest slice there ever was. Even Kimbo Slice ain’t got nothing on me.