The following is a short story told in the form of a monologue.
My name is Ms. Jane. That is of course not my real name. I refuse to give my real name to you young cretins, that’s C-R-E-T-I-N-S. I know you have tricked every one else in this world to think that you people are innocent but I know you people for who you really are. You are the scum of the Earth. Because you are incomplete work. I am going to try to get you one step closer to completion. It’s up to you to take it or leave it. My Education is not for the uninterested, that’s U-N-I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-E-D. I am going to teach English Language to you for this whole year. I have optimized – look up optimized in your dictionaries right now – your syllabus for the Fifth Grade. I will move at my own speed and I hope you will try to keep up. If you don’t, I am not going to crawl back and hold your hand.
Before I start educating you in the English language, you need to know some basic, moral rules. You see, language is everything. And it’s everywhere. A synonym for everywhere would be ‘Omnipresent’. That’s O-M-N-I-P-R-E-S-E-N-T. Since it’s everywhere, you have to maintain its purity, no matter where you are. I know you are young, impressionable, foolish people. So for once, I am going to go slow. You are not allowed to use dirty words in this or any lifetime. I am repeating myself and trust me, that doesn’t happen very often, the ‘T’ is silent. Again, you are NOT allowed to use dirty words in this or ANY lifetime. I’m trusting your imbecilic guardians to have taught you the meaning of ‘dirty’.
Since I’m a reasonable woman, I will give you the reasons for this restriction. It’s very simple, language is sacred but there are some people in this world who choose to defile and figuratively rape language and its sanctity. I hope you’re referring to your dictionaries and making necessary notes. There are certain words that are used by the aforementioned people. These words are nothing but an abomination on our society and can only be perceived as an assault on the senses of rational Human Beings. This is a war, children. And if you join those people in uttering obscenities casually or otherwise, the simple minded people will win that war. There will be no place for pure, rational, articulate beings like yours truly. ‘Yours truly’ is a common phrase used to address oneself.
They will try to ruin your tongues by making you say those words. They will convince you that these words are used in jest and not to be taken seriously. If any of you have already fallen into that trap then you are lost already and I don’t waste my time. I am going to list down some of these words for you. Remember, there are other words out there in the world too, these are not the only dangerous ones. I hope you will have a better judgement of these other words, as and when they come across you. You are to write them down on a torn piece of paper and throw the same paper into the toilet, right before you flush the waste out of your body. These words are:
- Fuck. F-U-C-K and all its variations.
- Shit. S-H-I-T and all its variations.
- Cunt. C-U-N-T and all its variations.
- Faggot. F-A-G-G-O-T and all its variations.
- Nigger. N-I-G-G-E-R and all its variations.
- Dick. D-I-C-K and all its variations.
- Piss. P-I-S-S and all its variations.
- Tits. T-I-T-S and all its variations.
- Asshole. A-S-S-H-O-L-E and all its variations.
- Pussy. P-U-S-S-Y and all its variations, if any.
Even if you have to refer to these words to explain their notorious nature, you use the first letter of the word. For instance, “The F word” becomes “Fuck”. You will not use your purity by doing so. And if the first letter is common between two words, try to find a synonym for it.
This is the last time I am going to repeat myself, this is war and the battlefield is your mouth.