For those who don’t know, I am an amateur Film Maker. I’m presently working as a writer at a production house. At some point, I want to end up making my own films. I don’t know why I want to do that because I’m not great or anything. I’m barely decent at what I do right now. I spent three years at a college either making / watching films or talking about them. I liked that. I have come back home to Mumbai, which is where the entire Hindi film industry is based, so I don’t really have to worry about rent, food or the daily grind. Which is nice, I guess. I have a bunch of ideas in my head. Some are decent and others are embarrassing. Either way, I want to shoot all of them. I looks at some peers in other industries doing pretty well for themselves and even if they aren’t, they seem to have a road map to get where they want. I don’t really have much of that. It’s mostly stupid optimism. Optimism is always stupid because why would anything nice ever happen? And of course, there’s the age old saying that if you drag any story long enough, it ends up being a tragedy.
I think I lost track of what I was trying to say. Anyway, point is, I’m at a pretty weird stage right now. The film ideas I have aren’t very lucrative, from a financial point of view. I know that most producers won’t pick it up. So why do I even do this? I have tried to give up many times. I look towards the family business which I could join, but, I mean, I don’t really want to. I could change professions but I don’t really have any special skills. I could do ‘social media marketing’ which doesn’t require skills but I might have to kill myself because of that (I’m not dissing you if you do this for a living. I am just dissing your work, please don’t get offended by a stupid blogger). I’m sort of stuck with making films and even though with every passing day I realize that chances of ‘making it’ are slim, dreams of ‘Sundance’ and ‘Cannes’ somehow creep in and make me keep going. Obviously, purely based on statistics, that’s probably never going to happen. Slowly I found myself losing touch with reality and having big dreams, which are never a good sign. I was about to throw a fit and give up again.
However, I recently found a more tangible reason to keep working on films. A couple of days back, I was deleting some old files from my phone. I came across some pictures from almost two years ago. The pictures were from a theater festival I was working for (read: unpaid internship) at the time. I had to blog about various events and workshops that were happening at the festival. One of them was a clowning workshop. Not a lot of people enrolled for it, obviously. Now I saw some of the videos that I took during this workshop and I felt so empowered to continue film making. Simply because, if that guy can make CLOWNING his FULL TIME JOB, then I can very well make films. By ‘that guy’, I mean a grown ass man. To quote Louis C.K, nobody likes clowns. And Louis is right. Most kids are afraid of them and adults don’t really give a fuck. But I saw that man pursue being a clown. In public. It was so depressing. And I don’t mean to disrespect him at all. It’s just that from an outsider’s perspective, it feels really sad. But that guy doesn’t care. He’s the most badass person I’ve ever encountered because he was happy being a clown. Someone that literally nobody likes or cares about.
I have finally found a reason to continue being a film maker. It’s because some dude was proudly wearing hideous paint on his face. Thank you, all the clowns of the world, because you make us all feel better, albeit unintentionally. Though that really shouldn’t matter.