The following may be a true story. 

When I look back on it, it seems really strange. But for some reason, at that point of time, it felt perfectly normal. In fact it felt kind of nice. And that’s saying a lot coming from me. Because I’ve never really felt nice about anything. But anyway, I’m not going to talk about what I feel or what I felt. This is not about me. This is about The Toeman.

The Toeman was not a conventional person, you see, he was made up of toes. Dirty, stinking, hairy, yellow toes. Now that may not be attracted to some, but I sure as hell saw the beauty in him. He would walk down the street with his Big toe held high. Not a care in the world. Some tiny pieces of his toenail would keep dropping while he walked. Children would be afraid of him but he could never understand why. Some people even discriminated against him because he was made of toes. He felt bad. He felt anxious.

Then one day, he saw me walking down the street. I think he was attracted to me. I wasn’t attracted to him. Because I was (read: am) a human. And this person was made up of toes. I t wasn’t so much the appearance because I’m not a superficial person but I did not even know his gender. I am a straight man. I have just always assumed he’s a man given the constant male brainwashing in pop culture. Anyway, he approached me this one day and asked me to run an errand for him. He said that if I do it, he’ll let me in on all the fart secrets. Now, I did not want to know any of the fart secrets but I was very curious.

I inquired about what he wanted me to do. He said that a baker who lived somewhere near the end of the street was a bigoted asshole who wouldn’t sell him his bread and milkshake. The Toeman just wanted me to pick that up for him. Since it was an easy task, I agreed. I went down to the baker. For some reason the baker wanted to see my asshole. I showed it to him and he agreed to sell me his special bread and milkshake. I left with the hope that he hadn’t photographed my butt. Then I realized that there was no reason for me to show him my asshole. But I guess by then I had no choice but to let that go. Asshole Fetish Baker 1 – 0 – Me.

I thought to myself that at least now I would know what ‘fart secrets’ are. I was very excited. I had no idea of the painful world I was letting myself into. But The Toeman had an aura about him that made me trust him. I believed that the secret would be something amazing. I was going to find out soon.

Stay tuned for Part Two to know all the fart secrets.